A Sad State of Affairs

Because of this class, I have spent more time watching the news and thinking about the current state of affairs in our country. There were several news stories this week that were disturbing for various reasons. The first one involved a television actor and an alleged attack that took place in Chicago. The actor, Jussie Smollett, claimed that two men attacked him, shouted racist and homophobic slurs at him and tied a rope around his neck. My first reaction was that the attack was disgusting and that hopefully, the perpetrators whould be brought to justice quickly. After the story played out over several days it now appears as if the whole incident was staged in an effort by the actor to gain a more lucrative contractual arrangement with his current employer. What bothers me about this story is that this type of attack actually happens to real people in our cities all the time. The hate that is faced by everyday people is real and has consequences. By his actions, Smollett belittled these victims and now made their stories less believable and subject to question. Unfortunately, these people don’t have the platform to fight back that Smollett had to fake the story. The hate and scars of the words and attacks will live with the real victims for the rest of their lives. I thought that it must be horrible that people are targeted and/or attacked over who they love or how they love. Hopefully, Smollett gets the help he needs. This is a sad story all around.

Another story this week involved the government recently revealing that 245 children were separated from their parents at the southern border of the United States since the current administration ended their “Zero Tolerance” policy last June. I have watched this story over the last year and heard arguments for and against this policy. I watched on television as a commentator said that the parents broke the law and asked “what criminals get to take their children to jail with them?” I watched the pictures of children being put in cages and warehoused. For the first time in my life it made me ashamed of my country. I once travelled to Mexico to build houses for people living along the railroad tracks near Tecate. I met the families and children there who were just trying to survive. Like any of us, they just wanted a better life for themselves and their children. I met a young boy named “Moses” who drew me a picture on a block of wood. The picture was of him and his family in their new home with big smiles on their faces. I still have that block of wood. I am not really sure how we have come to a point in our history where a large part of the citizens of the United States are accepting of children being put in cages. I know we are better than this.

Another story involved a Coast Guard officer who was arrested this week after it was discovered that he had a cache of weapons and had prepared a list of prominent democratic politicians and journalists from NBC and MSNBC he wanted to murder. He was planning to eliminate people based on their political beliefs. Evidently, he thought silencing voices that he disagreed with would somehow help his “cause.” This was covered extensively in the news; however, the President hadn’t commented on the matter as of Friday.

I also read a story this week about a couple with two children who were killed in a motorcycle accident. The two children, a boy and a girl, were sent to live with their grandparents who had financial difficulties. Before he died, the father had been restoring a classic car in order to give it to his son on his 18th birthday. The Grandparents made the difficult decision to auction off the car in order to raise funds to care for the children. The first person who bought the car auctioned it off immediately and gave the proceeds to the family. The second person did the same thing. The third person gave the car back to the family. In all, $100,000 was raised for the children and the car was given to the young boy who lost his parents. It was good to see that there are still people in the world who care and try and help. Unfortunately, with all the hate in the news every day, stories like this are often overlooked.

The point of this writing is that we as a country can choose who we are, and who we want to be. We can control this. The public outrage is what ended the barbaric zero tolerance policy in the first place. There seems to be so much hate in the world. The disagreements of the past are now pitched battles with no compromise. Politics has become a zero-sum game. Unfortunately, this type of arrangement has consequences like children in cages and violent extremists. All that being said, the story of the 2 children and their grandparents reminds me that in our communities we are better and more connected than it appears. I know, based on personal experience, that this is truly the case. It is important that all of us are the catalyst to bring out the best we can be, and do all in our power to defeat the hate that seems to be growing. It is up to all of us to choose our future and the future of our country.

Our Sick World

I have now been reading the newspaper and looking at internet news sites for several weeks. I have complained or made observations about things going on in the world that I found annoying. Unfortunately, this week the news took a weird turn. I uncovered several stories that made me wonder if there are yet, undiscovered tribes in the deepest part of the Amazonian rain forests that are more civilized and well-mannered than the rabble that make their appearance in the weekly news. I am sorry if the following bits of news offend anyone but, don’t shoot me, I’m merely the messenger. This crap is actually in the news.

The first story I came across was from Florida. A 21-year-old man decided it would be a great idea to film himself having intimate relations with a husky. Not “husky” like the larger than average pants the blubbery kid you knew in the seventh grade wore, but an actual husky, as in the breed of dog. Christian Nichols dressed himself in a husky dog costume and set up his camera. In an effort at factual accuracy -the husky dog costume was the breed of dog and not the larger than average dog costume a mentally unstable Floridian would wear before filming himself having sex with his dog. I was confused as to the reason he put the costume on. Did he think it would make him more attractive to the dog? Was he trying to make the dog more comfortable? He was arrested after the authorities were alerted to the video and a complaint was lodged. He was charged with 1 count of animal cruelty (evidently buggery has been stricken from the statutory criminal code in Florida). Whatever the legal outcome, this hound humper should be boiled in oil. The complaint was probably phoned in by the victimized husky. Hopefully the pooch poker will do hard time in the penal sense (well, you know what I mean). I was just grateful that the article wasn’t entitled “Dog Pound.”

Trying to recover from the horrifying details of the dog dicker story, I moved on. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I came across a story about a man in Zimbabwe who was arrested for bestiality after being caught having a physical relationship with a donkey. The man claimed that he had hired a prostitute for twenty dollars and that somehow the woman turned into a donkey while he was getting to know her. Evidently, he was intoxicated and didn’t fully understand the transactional details when she said she would let him do it in her ass for twenty dollars. This story ended well as the man claimed he was now in love with the donkey and wanted to marry it. It reminded me of a book called “Wet Goddess” where a guy claimed he was having an ongoing relationship with a dolphin. He claimed they were just two mammals in love. He would swim into her enclosure and “free willy” and then... explore her blowhole. These sick freaks would probably stick it in a beehive if they thought they could get honey on their stinger.

Moving on, I came across an article where a guy in New Orleans was arrested for threats and menacing after he went into a restaurant bathroom, told the staff member to clear out because he was going to blow the place up. The authorities were called and arrested the man. He claimed he didn’t mean he had explosives, he was trying to tell the guy in the bathroom that he was about to have a bowel movement so foul that it might cause permanent brain damage to anyone who had functioning olfactory senses within a block radius of the dumping ground. Police were sending him for psychiatric testing. Probably ought to have a proctologist nose around a little too.

I had had enough and was about to swear off the news for the rest of my life when I came across an McDonalds because they were charged the same price for the Quarter Pounder with cheese, even though they ordered it without cheese. This individual was seeking 5 million dollars in damages. I wonder if anyone broke the news to this raccoon that the yellow substance on the burger isn’t really cheese...it’s plastic. Of course, the zit covered kid working the drive thru window thinks it’s funny that the plaintiff thinks that the brown stuff on the bun is a meat burger. Wait until that lawsuit gets filed.

The next lawsuit involved a couple from New Mexico. The man, Peter Wallis was suing his girlfriend, Kellie Smith, because she had impregnated herself without his consent. He claimed that Smith intentionally came off birth control in an effort to intentionally acquire and misuse his sperm. The court ruled that the sperm was voluntarily given and should be classified as a gift, leaving Wallis with no possession rights. Thank God that I was never involved in a lawsuit like that. I am quite sure the court would fine me for littering in a case like this.

The News and Dr. Sausage Fingers

I happened to be sitting in the doctor’s office this week and began to leaf through the periodicals (trust me, I’m using that term very loosely). They were spread out on the table for the patients to read. The guy next to me was complaining to his wife about “Dr. Sausage Fingers” checking his prostate. Apparently, he was not looking forward to the exam. He looked like a first-time drug mule with a pound of heroin in his rectum about to find out how the goods were being delivered.

The first magazine I looked at contained food and restaurant stories. A lot of advertisements with an occasional 2 paragraph “story” mixed in. I came across two food promotions being advertised. KFC was unveiling a new sandwich with what they described as an exciting new twist – Cheetos! They have a piece of chicken on a bun and then cram a load of Cheetos on top of the bird. The other promotion involved Pizza Hut offering free pizza to the couple who give birth to the baby who has an official birth time closest to the time of kickoff for this year’s Super Bowl.

First there is the KFC sandwich. This involves a layer of Cheetos and special Cheetos sauce along with a bun and some fried chicken. The promotion involves a limited release for the sandwich which is only available in the southern part of the United States. If interest is high enough the sandwich will become available nationwide. It is quite obvious to me why this death bird is only available down south. I once had the unpleasant experience of spending an afternoon in Little Rock, Arkansas. This is the first town I had ever spent time in where the toothbrushes clearly outnumbered the teeth. I wandered into a restaurant called The Cozy Kitchen and was introduced to a slice of Americana that most people don’t even know exists. The chef stood behind a lunch counter with stains all over his shirt and his cigar ashes falling into the food as he yelled obscenities at the staff, or staph in this case. The menu advertised such delicacies as, Bar-B -Q chicken, Bar-B-Q beef, Bar-B-Q pork, Bar-B-Q opossum, Bar-B-Q humidity etc. You get the picture. These people would be begging for a bag of Cheetos! The advertisement for this debeaked widow maker should be a picture of the Colonel standing over Chester Cheeto laid out in a hospital bed with the cardiologist pulling a sheet over his head. This isn’t a sandwich, it’s a gastrointestinal hitman.

As for pizza hut, the NFL says it wants to reward its fans that are expanding their family so close to the big game. Free pizza for the entire year for the winner. Fans in New Orleans complained that if the NFL wanted to reward its fans they should call a fucking interference penalty!!! Evidently, they are still bitter. If the NFL wants to reward the rest of the country they would force the Patriots to eat the KFC cheese rooster until the entire team flatlines.

Another article in the magazine caught my attention. A London restaurant in search of sustainable protein is now offering gray squirrel lasagna. Apparently, the chef struck a deal with his wild boar supplier in order to get the squirrel carcasses. Ivan Tisdall-Downes, the chef, claims the meat isn’t as gamey as rabbit and is a really nice white meat. I have a lot of questions here. My first question is – what in the hell is a wild boar supplier? How does one stumble into this vocation? Is there a school for this? Are you forced to watch Wild Kingdom on Animal Planet and then walk around the woods looking for a pig with big teeth? For God’s sake -are they telling the customers they are eating wild boar? Am I ordering a pulled pork sandwich and instead being tricked into eating pulled Pumbaa? How the hell is this supplier getting enough squirrel meat to make lasagna? I wonder if they put the weird little squirrel hands into the lasagna? I made a mental note of the restaurant in case I’m in London but won’t put it in this story so the rest of you can play “Restaurant Russian Roulette” the next time you are in London. Eat up!

I decided to switch magazines at this point. I opened up Live Science magazine. The first article I came across involved researchers in Japan. Evidently, a group of scientists there recently developed a method of transforming human feces into steak. These scientists were asked by the Tokyo Sewage Department to come up with a practical use for the excess sewage. By isolating the proteins from the bacteria in human waste and combining them with carbs and fat they developed a meat like substance. Of course, they strongly recommend cooking the “steak” thoroughly before consuming it. Cooking it will make no difference. I can hear it already – “this steak tastes like shit!” Now, my Aunt Cora will finally be able to keep a job. She’s four hundred pounds and produces enough “steak” each day to feed Myanmar. Every time she needs new shoes she calls a blacksmith. For years she wore a shirt that had the word Man-eater on it but I just assumed she had misspelled the word Manatee. I can’t wait to pitch my new restaurant idea to her.

I tossed Live Science aside and picked up the Catholic Register. There was an article about technology. In January the Pope and the Catholic Church introduced a new app - “click to pray.” The church has begun to embrace technology. Evidently, you click on the app and you can follow mass or pray with the Pope on the new Worldwide Prayer Network. I was kind of surprised that the article didn’t continue with this additional information - Many of the local parish priests feel that there are bugs that need to be worked out before the app will be of any use to them. The app needs to be further developed in order for them to continue to fondle the younger parishioners through the smart phone or I-pad. Yuck!!! The next two stories involved a man who got drunk and lit his prosthetic leg on fire and an article about an epileptic dwarf who made pizzas.

I never got a chance to read those articles because the nurse called my name and my prostate let out a scream! I was only there for a TDAP shot but I quickly looked up the Worldwide Prayer Network on my phone as I headed into the exam room, just in case.

Disney: The Happiest Place On Earth

It was reported in the New York Post recently that park visitors are scattering the ashes of their deceased loved ones throughout Disneyland and Disney World. It has been an ongoing issue in the Park for some time and park custodians have been forced to use a special attachment on the vacuum cleaners in order to suck up the ashes after they have been left at the park. These visitors are smuggling the ashes into the park concealed in camera cases and backpacks in order to evade detection. Disney considers this to be a park, health code violation and is asking for the public to stop doing this. Apparently, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, the Haunted Mansion along with the Dumbo the Elephant ride are the most popular places in the park chosen as the final resting place for deceased relatives. Experts believe that this is a way in which relatives can visit the “happiest place on earth,” one last time with their departed family member.

While I never really contemplated my own demise before, this article made me stop and think. This subject is not something a typical 30-year-old would worry about, but the more I thought about this, the more I realized I have some things to work through. For instance, after they toss you into the pizza oven and bake you to a crisp, they really don’t know what pieces are where- they just have a clump of ashes with no identifiable body parts (although, several Disneyland visitors have described finding human fingers and eyeballs in the bushes surrounded by ashes- obviously, these are either deceased remains or someone spilled their Chinese food in the bushes). The article also made me realize that I now have to worry that my severely overweight, chain smoking alcoholic uncle is going to head to Disneyland one last time and make me watch him treat himself to a couple of Astro Wieners with pickles at the Space Mountain Galactic Restaurant before he dumps my fried testicles at the feet of some animatronic swashbuckler. I’m going through life fat, dumb, and happy then suddenly I keel over from a tainted piece of romaine lettuce and my crazy Uncle Eddie (who has a giant hump on his back and looks like he should be ringing a bell somewhere) is going to toss my overcooked anus under some big eared, porcine flying pachyderm? Thanks a lot New York Post!

I am also quite sure Walt Disney would have never approved of this type of behavior. Although, come to think of it, Walt did think it would be a great idea to be cryogenically frozen and then have his head placed on a monkey body and thawed out sometime in the future (what a nut job). They should take that human popsicle and dump his ice-cold carcass in the bushes near Splash Mountain just to discourage these lunatics from doing this shit. Once he thaws out and begins to turn, the odor will send a strong message. Or, better yet, they could dump his Haagen Dazs head somewhere on Tom Sawyer’s Island in order to get people to actually go over there. That would be a win/win! Injun Joe and Muff Potter could violate that ice bucket and leave poor Dr. Robinson alone for a change.

Prior to reading this article my only concern with heading to my final reward was that the crew of meat puppets I left behind would at least have the common decency to put me in some underwear and a suit before the dirt nap, and now this. After reading this article I began watching my relatives closely. I am trying to figure out which one of these mouth breathing, fetal alcohol syndrome, carnival workers will be the one to dump me into an ashtray, put on some mouse ears and then scatter me around Mister Toad’s Wild ride because the line to the Haunted Mansion was too long. At the moment I think it might be my sister Jackie. She never liked me, got pregnant at 16 and then married her Driver’s Ed teacher who was 36 years older than her because he had a car. Ironically his name was Ed.

I have had to sit down and formulate a plan in case one of them dies before I do. My current plan, if Jackie goes first, is to cremate her (she’s deathly afraid of fire and is saving her money in order to purchase a cemetery plot near the high school parking lot where she first consummated her relationship with Ed), and then scatter her ashes around that goddamn Small World ride. Let her listen to that “small world” song for eternity – that will settle a few scores! She better hope her ears aren’t in that ashtray! As for the others, most of whom are severely obese and are trying to deal with a few too many chromosomes, I’m just hoping they cremate them so I don’t have to be one of the pall bearers. I have to assume that attempting to lift any of those corpulent bastards will result in my testicle flying out of my abdominal cavity and a seven day stay in a hospital post hernia surgery. As for scattering their ashes at Disneyland, I suppose just dumping their ashes near the tram stop garbage can at the front entrance would be sufficient. There is no way you are packing that many ashes into a camera case. The pile of ashes for each one of them would most likely resemble the smoldering ashes of a bad house fire but would smell much worse. Oh well, screw the New York Post and screw Disneyland!