The Inaugural Post

I created this blog after a series of embarrassing events made me painfully aware of what an uninformed dumb shit I had become.  My constant references to “Peking” during the last Olympic games (by the way – when the fuck did they change that?), and my attempt to purchase an 8-track at the local Best Buy recently made me realize that I needed to become more informed. So I grabbed a cup of coffee this morning on my way to visit my parents (more on that later) and began my education with earnest by sticking my bulbous nose into the local newspaper.

After getting through all of the daily madness, mayhem and slaughter on the front pages I began to get to the good stuff. The first story that caught my attention concerned a man in Florida who weighed 945 pounds. His visiting nurse had become concerned about his health and so paramedics showed up and removed him from his home. This required hydraulic equipment, tarps surgical masks and the removal of a wall from the house in the bedroom where the man had spent the last five years evidently wallowing in his own filth. It was quite a spectacle as twenty guys wearing surgical masks rolled out the man through the hole in his wall. They covered him with a tarp so nobody could see him as they loaded him onto a flatbed truck and hauled him away. As I read this I couldn’t help thinking – “the visiting nurse had become concerned about his health?” What the hell did that mean? Are you telling me that at 900 pounds the guy looked pretty good and then somewhere around 930 his color began to change. “He looked great right up until he hit the mid 900’s. Yeah he was really active at 850 – rolling over in bed and boosting himself up so the nurse could wipe his ass – he was like a fucking gymnast. Why didn’t she call someone at 600 or 700 pounds before he became a yearlong ongoing show on Dr. Phil while he tries to lose weight from his hospital room? I blame the nurse and those Snackwell cookies with their hidden calories.

The next story that caught my eye involved Peter Pan getting arrested at Disneyland. There was a picture of Peter Pan with that green suit, tights and weird looking Robin Hood hat being loaded into the back of a squad car with cuffs on. I just assumed he had been busted for kidnapping those kids from their bedroom or that the flying fairy dust shit he uses was actually heroin (which I had long suspected), or maybe he did something filthy with a can of Alpo and that dog “Nana” that the kids owned. Pan better hope he doesn’t get convicted because he isn’t going to fare too well in prison with those tights on.  Of course even though he’s 67 years old they have to try him as a juvenile and seal his records because of the whole “never grow up thing.” Wait until his cellmate decides to introduce him to Tinkerbell. It turns out that Pan was in a union and involved in some sort of labor dispute. I thought he was going to make the authorities look pretty foolish by having “happy thoughts” in his cell and flying out of there. What kind of union does Peter Pan belong to anyway? He doesn’t do anything. He pretends all day. Why doesn’t he just pretend that his pretend boss gave him a pretend raise and he could even throw in a pretend promotion while he’s at it? In fact, he could cut out the pretend middleman by just pretending everything at “work” was fine. I have to seriously question whether his working conditions and wages, which he was paid for sitting around in a cave with a bunch of juvenile delinquent no-loads was really intolerable? Is that what he’s claiming? If anyone has intolerable working conditions it’s that sycophant Schmee. He gets abused by a homicidal boss with a hook for a hand and is forced to aid and abet the attempted murder of children all day. Now that is a shitty job. He’s the one that should be protesting. He has a legitimate gripe. Why don’t they have a union for this poor bastard? These theme parks are full of some pretty tough characters. I thought I read that one of those fuckers in the paper mache heads once sodomized a kid because he pulled his tail. These guys in these suits have to let that shit go once in a while. I think I read that that rat bastard Chuck-E-Cheese once punched a kid for throwing pizza at him and pulling his tail and ears. Don’t they screen these people? In his defense, at least Chuckie never sodomized anyone. Anyway, I finished the story and sat there thinking…Peter Pan – what a complete asshole.

There were a few other small articles like the one from Italy where a group of nuns came up with the idea of putting up an inflatable church at the beach so that it would be convenient for people to attend mass while at the beach. They inflated it one Sunday but it blew down. They said they would try again the following week because they knew God really wanted them to do this. Really? I’m no expert on the ways of the Lord but I do think if he really wanted them to do this he wouldn’t have blown the fucking thing down. Another article concerned a family that showed up at a suburban Atlanta funeral home to view their 98-year-old grandmother’s body. When they looked in the casket, they were surprised to see some other old lady wearing grandma’s brooch and dress and camping out in her new casket. The funeral home scrambled to fix it, although I don’t know how that’s possible. Do you have to wash the clothes before you switch them back? Not sure, but grandma probably won’t give a shit. Do they offer the family a free funeral and dinner for two? (Tell them what they’ve won Johnny!) Do they even tell the other family? My rule of thumb here would be that you probably are going to have to tell them if there’s any digging involved.

Speaking of monkeys, there was another story from India where a bunch of marauding chimps threw a politician off a balcony where he fell to his death. The locals in response decided to bring in much bigger and more ferocious monkeys to attack the killer chimps. Is that a good idea? Why am I picturing Charlton Heston in chains telling some ape to get his filthy hands off him? I mean if you can’t handle the little chimps, why up the ante. Can these ferocious monkeys be trusted?  In this country we handle the problem in a completely different manner. Here we elect the chimps to office so if they want to throw a politician from a balcony to their death they simply jump. Seems far more efficient than pinning your hopes on bigger monkeys. I’m sure those monkeys were capuchins. Those little fuckers look cute like Mr. Binks but they bite like a badger and trust me when I tell you – you definitely don’t want one of those things gnawing on your hambone while you sit out on the balcony. They say that capuchins have a small brain and are pretty much focused on food and sex. Hey, wait a minute... I think my uncle might be a capuchin.

Two guys in Georgia claimed they had found a corpse in the woods that was the remains of Bigfoot. These guys spend a lot of time in the woods and normally their job was to look for leprechauns and the Loch Ness monster. They kept Bigfoot in their freezer and had DNA tests done on him. Obviously, marching around in the woods looking for leprechauns is one thing, but looking for “Nessie” in Georgia is quite another. Nessie lives in Loch Ness in Scotland, not in Georgia. That would be like looking for the London Bridge in Arizona…. wait ... bad example. That would be like looking for the Empire State building in Toronto. You’re not going to find it because it isn’t there. When the DNA results came back they were inconclusive but I read that the DNA was from a human and an opossum so the scientific community figures it to be a big hoax. While that’s all well and good for the scientific community I have a couple of questions. Hasn’t anyone watched “DELIVERANCE?” I’m not too concerned that they may have shot an opossum in the woods when it wasn’t varmint season, but I would like to know why nobody is asking questions about the FUCKING HUMAN IN THEIR FREEZER! What’s next for these two guys – dressing up in clown costumes and burying a few of their “finds” under the house or floorboards? Maybe the authorities could stop buy the old shack and pick up these two hillbillies before something else ends up in their freezer. Just wondering.

As I approached the last section I saw that Bob’s Big Boy restaurant had shit canned a fat guy because they couldn’t find a uniform shirt that fit him. Hey, why not rip the overalls off the mongoloid with the weird hair-do you have holding up that fucking hamburger out front? Just a thought. The last two stories were kind of related. One really caught my attention. Orange County California is turning human shit into car fuel.  Wow, my uncle is going to be like Saudi Arabia. They feed him Shredded Wheat and Triscuits and they could power up a fleet of buses for a month just using his morning constitutional. Of course if you want Hi-test you’re going to have to feed him peanuts. His farts will be so valuable, Red Adair and his team will be called in to “cap” him. Talk about going green.

At this point, I know what you’re all asking: “Hey asshole, weren’t the last Olympic games held in Rio?” and you would be correct (see first line of this post). I love my parents dearly but they could be featured on A&E’s “Hoarders”. I used to laugh at them and say that they haven’t thrown out a piece of mail since the Truman administration but the joke was on me this time. It wasn’t until I read about that burger flipping degenerate that I realized the paper I had picked up from the stack was from 2008.

Fuck this, the newspaper sucks and I’m better off uninformed.