Our Sick World

I have now been reading the newspaper and looking at internet news sites for several weeks. I have complained or made observations about things going on in the world that I found annoying. Unfortunately, this week the news took a weird turn. I uncovered several stories that made me wonder if there are yet, undiscovered tribes in the deepest part of the Amazonian rain forests that are more civilized and well-mannered than the rabble that make their appearance in the weekly news. I am sorry if the following bits of news offend anyone but, don’t shoot me, I’m merely the messenger. This crap is actually in the news.

The first story I came across was from Florida. A 21-year-old man decided it would be a great idea to film himself having intimate relations with a husky. Not “husky” like the larger than average pants the blubbery kid you knew in the seventh grade wore, but an actual husky, as in the breed of dog. Christian Nichols dressed himself in a husky dog costume and set up his camera. In an effort at factual accuracy -the husky dog costume was the breed of dog and not the larger than average dog costume a mentally unstable Floridian would wear before filming himself having sex with his dog. I was confused as to the reason he put the costume on. Did he think it would make him more attractive to the dog? Was he trying to make the dog more comfortable? He was arrested after the authorities were alerted to the video and a complaint was lodged. He was charged with 1 count of animal cruelty (evidently buggery has been stricken from the statutory criminal code in Florida). Whatever the legal outcome, this hound humper should be boiled in oil. The complaint was probably phoned in by the victimized husky. Hopefully the pooch poker will do hard time in the penal sense (well, you know what I mean). I was just grateful that the article wasn’t entitled “Dog Pound.”

Trying to recover from the horrifying details of the dog dicker story, I moved on. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I came across a story about a man in Zimbabwe who was arrested for bestiality after being caught having a physical relationship with a donkey. The man claimed that he had hired a prostitute for twenty dollars and that somehow the woman turned into a donkey while he was getting to know her. Evidently, he was intoxicated and didn’t fully understand the transactional details when she said she would let him do it in her ass for twenty dollars. This story ended well as the man claimed he was now in love with the donkey and wanted to marry it. It reminded me of a book called “Wet Goddess” where a guy claimed he was having an ongoing relationship with a dolphin. He claimed they were just two mammals in love. He would swim into her enclosure and “free willy” and then... explore her blowhole. These sick freaks would probably stick it in a beehive if they thought they could get honey on their stinger.

Moving on, I came across an article where a guy in New Orleans was arrested for threats and menacing after he went into a restaurant bathroom, told the staff member to clear out because he was going to blow the place up. The authorities were called and arrested the man. He claimed he didn’t mean he had explosives, he was trying to tell the guy in the bathroom that he was about to have a bowel movement so foul that it might cause permanent brain damage to anyone who had functioning olfactory senses within a block radius of the dumping ground. Police were sending him for psychiatric testing. Probably ought to have a proctologist nose around a little too.

I had had enough and was about to swear off the news for the rest of my life when I came across an McDonalds because they were charged the same price for the Quarter Pounder with cheese, even though they ordered it without cheese. This individual was seeking 5 million dollars in damages. I wonder if anyone broke the news to this raccoon that the yellow substance on the burger isn’t really cheese...it’s plastic. Of course, the zit covered kid working the drive thru window thinks it’s funny that the plaintiff thinks that the brown stuff on the bun is a meat burger. Wait until that lawsuit gets filed.

The next lawsuit involved a couple from New Mexico. The man, Peter Wallis was suing his girlfriend, Kellie Smith, because she had impregnated herself without his consent. He claimed that Smith intentionally came off birth control in an effort to intentionally acquire and misuse his sperm. The court ruled that the sperm was voluntarily given and should be classified as a gift, leaving Wallis with no possession rights. Thank God that I was never involved in a lawsuit like that. I am quite sure the court would fine me for littering in a case like this.