Doping, Colonoscopies, and other Atrocities

A couple of news stories caught my attention this week. The first one involved a man in Denmark who found out that his two yearlong blocked nose was caused by a tooth growing in his nostril. The man had been complaining of congestion and loss of sense of smell. He said he doesn’t recall any trauma and has no idea what caused the tooth to take root in his proboscis. Doctors extracted the tooth from inside his nasal cavity and he is hoping for a full recovery. Honestly, the only down side I can imagine here is that it will now be harder for this guy to dine on his own boogers. Instead of devouring them in their den he will have to physically extract them and now dine on them in a more traditional style. I will have to send my Uncle Tom over there to teach him how it’s done. 

Another story this week involved the world’s number one bridge player being banned for taking a banned substance. Geir Helgemo from Norway tested positive for synthetic testosterone and a female fertility drug. The World Bridge Federation also stripped Helgemo of all his awards, titles and medals for 2018 (the period covered by his pharmaceutical transgressions). Geir says he will be back stronger than ever in 2019 and was careful to point out that the substances he was ingesting were not performance enhancing substances. Would performance enhancing drugs help you in Bridge? From what I know of the activity, it involves 4 people sitting around a table and giving or taking cards and keeping score. How in the hell would bulking up or increasing your oxygen intake level going to actually help you? If this were the case, Lance Armstrong would have won the tour-de-Bridge seven time too. Perhaps steroids would help the participant withstand incredible stretches of mind-numbing boredom and help them stay awake during an intense match, tinged throughout with nothingness. I am attaching a picture of this guy so you can see what a Bridge player actually looks like. Take a good look at this guy. He’s taking testosterone and female fertility drugs because he has come to the realization, after many dateless years, that he is probably going to have to fuck himself. The only chance this guy has of getting laid is if he crawls up a chicken’s ass!

Then I came across the most horrifying story I have ever read in a paper. It was from the Detroit News and was entitled “How to get (mentally and physically) colonoscopy ready.” This article described the procedure and the need to start having colonoscopies after the age of 50. Several things in this article concerned me. The explanation detailing the preparation was the scariest part. Supposedly, you drink some sort of beverage that helps prepare your colon for the procedure. Now by prepared, I mean, emptying the entire contents of your intestinal tract into the commode. This is facilitated by the “magic drink.” They described this drink as so powerful that I imagine shitting out Thanksgiving dinners and buffet lunches I haven’t even eaten yet. The marketing people should name this stuff – “weapons of ass destruction.” I have horrible visions of drinking this crap and then looking into the bowl, after the explosion, and seeing things that have no business being there. What if historical mysteries like D. B. Cooper or the missing Faberge eggs appear in the toxic stew I’m spewing into the toilet. Suddenly, these mysteries are solved and the police are called in to sift through the wreckage while my sphincter is still going off like the launch of SpaceX. I’m in the news with pictures of my lunch and dinner (fully processed) spread around the internet with warnings concerning graphic images. Then I’m wheeled into a room and opened up like a can of tuna while they go spelunking around in my backside with a camera taking pictures of the miasma that is my digestive system. After reading this, I immediately began to increase my fiber intake. I hope that preparation-H works!

I then read a story from Tregaron Wales about celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay’s dwarf porn double allegedly found dead in a badger den. A dwarf named Percy Foster was allegedly found dead after being eaten by badgers. He starred in several pornographic movies, including “Hi ho Hi ho it’s up your arse we go.” The Sunday Sport ran the story that was being investigated. While I was certainly surprised that a badger would drag a dwarf off and eat him – I was more surprised that Gordon Ramsay would have a porn double. I’m pretty sure the dwarf wasn’t much of a cook and if he ever invited me to dinner I would never eat anything at his house that contained finishing sauce. Until next week............