The first story I read involved a man named Kaz James, a 37-year-old man from England. Kaz details his upbringing and how he never felt like a man or boy. Kaz has decided that he needs to be true to his feelings and he has decided to transition. Now, at first, I thought, no big deal. Many people struggle and/or are not comfortable with their gender assignment and choose to make life changing decisions that make them more comfortable. That is what I thought when first reading this article. That is, until I came to the part where Kaz is uncomfortable being human and is transitioning into a dog. He has decided to live life as a puppy and eats his meals from a bowl and barks, in order to communicate. He also enjoys carrying around items with his teeth and snacking on bones. I am attaching a picture so the reader can fully appreciate Kaz’s transformation (he looks rabid). I have to assume that Kaz is now licking his friends and probably humping them too. Maybe he thought the humping, licking, barking and constantly sniffing people’s asses would be better received if he put on the dog suit and wagged his posterior at everyone. Hopefully, his “owner” will leave the gate open and Kaz will get loose and get run over by a car. Kaz is the poster child for neutering your pets.
The next story involved a man in Australia who recently lost his court case after an appeals court ruled that farting could not be construed as bullying. David Hingst, an engineer who worked in a windowless office accused his supervisor of repeatedly coming into his office and emptying the gaseous contents of his colon while standing behind him. This olfactory assault had been ongoing and continuous for some time. At one point, it forced Hingst to move from the communal office area into the windowless office, in order to avoid his boss’s wind. Hingst nicknamed his supervisor “Mr. Stinky” and claimed that at least 6 or 7 times a week his boss would come into his office and pass gas near him and then leave. Hingst said the smell was unbearable and that often his eyes would tear up and he would begin choking from the noxious odors emanating from his supervisor’s pants. Hingst was seeking $1.3 million US in damages, after he lost his job. The court threw the case out claiming this was not bullying or assault. Obviously, this court has never spent any quality time with my uncle. Ambulances have been called several times after he decided to crop dust a family gathering or share the fumes from last night’s baby back ribs with his coworkers. I have been near him when he produced odors so foul that I would have gladly shoved my nose into a rotting decomposing corpse rather than endure the bouquet of feces launched from his sphincter during his latest assquake. This is not only bullying but assault with a deadly weapon. Each judge should be forced to sit with their nose embedded in my uncle’s hindquarters while he “busts a grumpy.” If they survived, I am confident that they would reconsider this decision.
Another story involved NASA. NASA, in conjunction with the European Space Agency is seeking women willing to stay in bed for 2 months and eat pancakes in order to test the effects of weightlessness on the body. The bed will be inverted at times which will put the woman’s head lower than her feet which will mimic the effects weightlessness has on the body. The article was unclear why it needed women and why they would be eating pancakes. It was also unclear on how these women will be going to the bathroom while having to remain in bed. That being said, I have the perfect candidate for this important assignment. I once had a job where there was a woman...I will call her “Penelope.” She was a large corpulent woman who would often sleep at her desk and snore like a chainsaw. On more than one occasion I watched her consume a stack of flapjacks at lunch that would have distressed a large lumberjack. Eventually, Penelope was arrested for theft after she used a company credit card fort personal purchases (which included an exorbitant amount of money for groceries). The police were called and she was arrested and led out of the building to a waiting police cruiser. They were unable to cuff her as she was too large so they walked her to the car with, what appeared to be some sort of cattle prod. On the way to the car she tripped and almost lost her shoe (which would have required the services of a blacksmith in order to put it back on). I can remember her getting into the car and watching the springs of the car sink to the ground. When they drove her away, sparks were spewing from the undercarriage of the police vehicle as it sagged onto the pavement. Now, if ever there was a woman tailor made for this assignment, it is Penelope. If they flip the bed up where her head is lower than her feet they may not be able to flip the bed back up. They will need to make a few modifications in order to support her girth. Instead of having the taxpayers pay for feeding her in jail (hay, grain and oats are expensive – especially in those quantities) NASA could fit the bill for her groceries and she would be doing a valuable public service at the same time! Talk about a win/win! I am also quite sure, at least temporarily, that she would enjoy the weightlessness experience.
Lastly, I must address the recent scandal at USC, and several other colleges, concerning celebrities and “connected” people paying bribes in order to get their kids into college. Since this story broke, I have been told several times that I must have bribed someone to get in because I’m not too bright. While this may be true (and I am often compared to a monkey trying to open a coconut), my father and mother are neither connected or rich. If they were, it is doubtful they would waste that many piasters for the child they often call the underachiever somewhere on the “spectrum”. My Dad would always make jokes with my mother like – “it’s not the idiot’s fault, you drank a lot when you were pregnant with him.” My nickname as a kid was “Asperger”. This scandal involved sports teams, the water polo team for instance, faking potential team membership and athletic ability, in order to get the student admitted. Thank God I can barely swim! Plus, I could never wear a speedo in public. I tried once and someone suggested I should put a rolled-up pair of socks inside my speedo in order to not embarrass myself. It was one of the worst days of my life. I spent a day with everyone laughing at me because I put the socks in the back of the speedo! They weren’t clear! Big mistake - very embarrassing.
As for getting into USC - I assume that someone just felt sorry for me and let me in after discovering I spent 6 years in the fourth grade, and was given an equivalency diploma after serving on jury duty for a month in the tenth grade. They gave me some speech about being 27 in high school and then sent me on my way. So, go screw yourself! Below is my picture from the USC yearbook that the consultant who helped me get in, submitted on my behalf.
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