Civil War Reenactors Arrested In Gettysburg

Gettysburg, PA Dec 30, 2018: A group of Civil War re-enactors, attempting to get the jump on the 158^th Year Anniversary of the Civil War caused considerable damage in the Town of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania this week when rowdiness fueled by alcohol and lingering hostilities caused events to spiral out of control and eventually led to the shooting of a local man. Police in Gettysburg released a statement Thursday night that the situation was now under control but warned residents to stay inside while police continued to scour the streets in search of any remaining combatants.

“This whole thing just seemed odd from the start,” said Amy Soffy, a local historian. “First off the original battle was actually fought in July and these groups were attempting to reenact the battles in the snow and mud of December. Really, the whole town is a mess right now, mud and debris everywhere, there were thousands of these guys participating in this,” added Soffy.

Things started out fine with thousands of participants coming into town and filling the restaurants and hotels. There were only a few isolated incidents on the first day of the reenactment which took place on Tuesday. Mostly it was just a bunch of these clowns dressed up and running around in their costumes pretending to be Civil War soldiers, said Gettysburg Police Chief Joe Weissbard. One of the incidents on Tuesday allegedly involved three Confederate soldiers who were in the 7-11 store on Hawthorne Street buying Keystone Lottery tickets when a customer yelled something about the Confederacy sucking. One of the soldiers fired back calling the man an asshole and telling him it was a reenactment. Things escalated and one of the soldiers hit the man in the face with his cell phone according to witnesses. “It seemed really odd when that guy pulled out his cell phone and hit the man in the face,” said eye witness Allison Davies. “These 3 guys were all dressed up in period costumes right down to the buttons and suddenly this guy yanks out a cell phone and smashed the fat bald guy in the face.” When interviewed by police after his arrest, Chad Landon from Richmond, Virginia said that he was supposed to have been killed on Culp’s Hill that afternoon but they were lying there in the snow for 8 hours and eventually got bored so one of the other dead guys suggested we get some Slurpees and lottery tickets and then this guy inside the store started messing with us.” 

The Confederate camp was located near Cemetery Ridge. That first night at the encampment was great. Several women from Philadelphia came over wearing bonnets, gloves, fans and candles. Most of the woman that showed up that night had actually made their own costumes and were there to “work the camp.” Everyone was having a great time and then the incident at the 7-11 was retold.  Everyone in our camp got really angry. They couldn’t believe that the townspeople could be so rude to dead soldiers like that. These people keep screwing with us fumed Don “Scooter” Dilson a member of the Army of Northern Virginia. “Isn’t it enough that they won the war? Why do they constantly try and put us down up here? Now they attack our fallen heroes. It’s starting to get so bad that we are not going to pretend to fight up here anymore said Dilson. Let them come down to Alabama or Mississippi for the next Gettysburg battle. 

Evidently, several soldiers from the Virginia Militia took it upon themselves to load real musketballs instead of the regular blanks they fire during the reenactments into their muskets in order to exact revenge. Early on day two near Cemetery Ridge a musketball struck local resident Carl Robinson as he and his wife returned home from purchasing Kwanzaa candles. Mr. Robinson was struck in the right buttock and was taken by ambulance to a local hospital. Not only is he expected to survive he also claims that the shot that hit him was far from an accident. “That cracker ass son-of-a-bitch in the gray suit shot me on purpose Robinson claims. He yelled something about Martin Luther and then he drilled me in the ass. I saw him and his posse run away while I was rolling around on my driveway.

“I think it’s really sad that a couple of bad apples can really ruin a good thing,” lamented Captain Larry F. Dixon, CSA, the man responsible for organizing the December reenactment. I have been doing this for years and have had one of the most memorable experiences of my life while camped right here in Pennsylvania back in 1983. I was a member of the camp band that year and after we finished playing “Dixie” for the troops, general Robert E. Lee himself strode up to the stage and said right to me “Sir, that is one of the finest renditions of Dixie I have ever heard.” That was the year that Aaron Berkley from Norfolk Virginia was pretending to be Lee. He was a colonic irrigation specialist back home in Norfolk and he had Lee down cold. It still gives me chills when I think about it and now some young hooligans are ruining the whole thing for the rest of us.”

Police have still not identified the actual shooter but Chief Weissbard said that the investigation is still ongoing. The Chief also downplays the reports of riots throughout the town after the shooting. That was no riot, said Weissbard, those idiots were all just scrambling to get the hell out of town after the black dude got shot. By the afternoon the Union Army outnumbered remaining Confederate soldiers about 15,000 to 0. We knew we were going to win, said General Meade, played by Dave Dwyer, but we never thought we would beat them this bad. I can hardly wait until next year if they will let us come back. As a result of the police curfew the Daughters of the American Revolution were also forced to cancel their Pot Luck dinner and guest speaker, which was scheduled for 7:00 pm tonight.  No reschedule date has been announced.