Dogs, Flapjacks, and Scandals

Unfortunately for anyone unlucky enough to be reading this epistle, I looked through the newspaper again this week. Just when I thought I had already uncovered the weirdest and most disturbing examples of human behavior chronicled in what passes for journalism, I uncovered several more horrifying stories. My delicate psychic apparatus is already a bit flimsy and these stories didn’t help.

The first story I read involved a man named Kaz James, a 37-year-old man from England. Kaz details his upbringing and how he never felt like a man or boy. Kaz has decided that he needs to be true to his feelings and he has decided to transition. Now, at first, I thought, no big deal. Many people struggle and/or are not comfortable with their gender assignment and choose to make life changing decisions that make them more comfortable. That is what I thought when first reading this article. That is, until I came to the part where Kaz is uncomfortable being human and is transitioning into a dog. He has decided to live life as a puppy and eats his meals from a bowl and barks, in order to communicate. He also enjoys carrying around items with his teeth and snacking on bones. I am attaching a picture so the reader can fully appreciate Kaz’s transformation (he looks rabid). I have to assume that Kaz is now licking his friends and probably humping them too. Maybe he thought the humping, licking, barking and constantly sniffing people’s asses would be better received if he put on the dog suit and wagged his posterior at everyone. Hopefully, his “owner” will leave the gate open and Kaz will get loose and get run over by a car. Kaz is the poster child for neutering your pets. 

The next story involved a man in Australia who recently lost his court case after an appeals court ruled that farting could not be construed as bullying. David Hingst, an engineer who worked in a windowless office accused his supervisor of repeatedly coming into his office and emptying the gaseous contents of his colon while standing behind him. This olfactory assault had been ongoing and continuous for some time. At one point, it forced Hingst to move from the communal office area into the windowless office, in order to avoid his boss’s wind. Hingst nicknamed his supervisor “Mr. Stinky” and claimed that at least 6 or 7 times a week his boss would come into his office and pass gas near him and then leave. Hingst said the smell was unbearable and that often his eyes would tear up and he would begin choking from the noxious odors emanating from his supervisor’s pants. Hingst was seeking $1.3 million US in damages, after he lost his job. The court threw the case out claiming this was not bullying or assault. Obviously, this court has never spent any quality time with my uncle. Ambulances have been called several times after he decided to crop dust a family gathering or share the fumes from last night’s baby back ribs with his coworkers. I have been near him when he produced odors so foul that I would have gladly shoved my nose into a rotting decomposing corpse rather than endure the bouquet of feces launched from his sphincter during his latest assquake. This is not only bullying but assault with a deadly weapon. Each judge should be forced to sit with their nose embedded in my uncle’s hindquarters while he “busts a grumpy.” If they survived, I am confident that they would reconsider this decision.

Another story involved NASA. NASA, in conjunction with the European Space Agency is seeking women willing to stay in bed for 2 months and eat pancakes in order to test the effects of weightlessness on the body. The bed will be inverted at times which will put the woman’s head lower than her feet which will mimic the effects weightlessness has on the body. The article was unclear why it needed women and why they would be eating pancakes. It was also unclear on how these women will be going to the bathroom while having to remain in bed. That being said, I have the perfect candidate for this important assignment. I once had a job where there was a woman...I will call her “Penelope.” She was a large corpulent woman who would often sleep at her desk and snore like a chainsaw. On more than one occasion I watched her consume a stack of flapjacks at lunch that would have distressed a large lumberjack. Eventually, Penelope was arrested for theft after she used a company credit card fort personal purchases (which included an exorbitant amount of money for groceries). The police were called and she was arrested and led out of the building to a waiting police cruiser. They were unable to cuff her as she was too large so they walked her to the car with, what appeared to be some sort of cattle prod. On the way to the car she tripped and almost lost her shoe (which would have required the services of a blacksmith in order to put it back on). I can remember her getting into the car and watching the springs of the car sink to the ground. When they drove her away, sparks were spewing from the undercarriage of the police vehicle as it sagged onto the pavement. Now, if ever there was a woman tailor made for this assignment, it is Penelope. If they flip the bed up where her head is lower than her feet they may not be able to flip the bed back up. They will need to make a few modifications in order to support her girth. Instead of having the taxpayers pay for feeding her in jail (hay, grain and oats are expensive – especially in those quantities) NASA could fit the bill for her groceries and she would be doing a valuable public service at the same time! Talk about a win/win! I am also quite sure, at least temporarily, that she would enjoy the weightlessness experience.

Lastly, I must address the recent scandal at USC, and several other colleges, concerning celebrities and “connected” people paying bribes in order to get their kids into college. Since this story broke, I have been told several times that I must have bribed someone to get in because I’m not too bright. While this may be true (and I am often compared to a monkey trying to open a coconut), my father and mother are neither connected or rich. If they were, it is doubtful they would waste that many piasters for the child they often call the underachiever somewhere on the “spectrum”. My Dad would always make jokes with my mother like – “it’s not the idiot’s fault, you drank a lot when you were pregnant with him.” My nickname as a kid was “Asperger”. This scandal involved sports teams, the water polo team for instance, faking potential team membership and athletic ability, in order to get the student admitted. Thank God I can barely swim! Plus, I could never wear a speedo in public. I tried once and someone suggested I should put a rolled-up pair of socks inside my speedo in order to not embarrass myself. It was one of the worst days of my life. I spent a day with everyone laughing at me because I put the socks in the back of the speedo! They weren’t clear! Big mistake - very embarrassing.

As for getting into USC - I assume that someone just felt sorry for me and let me in after discovering I spent 6 years in the fourth grade, and was given an equivalency diploma after serving on jury duty for a month in the tenth grade. They gave me some speech about being 27 in high school and then sent me on my way. So, go screw yourself! Below is my picture from the USC yearbook that the consultant who helped me get in, submitted on my behalf.

Bloody Sunday, Brexit, and the Future of Northern Ireland

Ireland has a long and complicated history. That history changed dramatically in 1922 when, after a protracted conflict between Irish nationals and British occupation troops, Ireland finally gained independence from England. Part of the agreement that gave the Irish their independence included the creation of the country of Northern Ireland, which was made up of six predominantly protestant counties in the northern part of the island. This arrangement remained constant until 1969 when England sent troops into Northern Ireland in order to quell recent disturbances caused by Irish Republicans who were protesting their mistreatment at the hands of the Northern Irish police forces. At first, many Catholics welcomed the English troops because they felt they would be treated better than the tactics used by the sectarian police in Northern Ireland. These protests began to become more violent as the frustrated minority had become fed up with their treatment and began to demand civil rights. The “troubles” began to become more regular, with bombings and murders, up until January 30, 1972. That day changed the history of Northern Ireland and arguably impacts the country today and will continue to impact the country in the future.

On January 30, 1972, a group of peaceful protesters marched through the streets of Derry, Northern Ireland seeking better treatment for the catholic minority in the North. After violence had continued to increase over several years, starting in 1969, British soldiers arrived in order to police the country. These forces included British paratroopers who had recently been in combat situations until they were dispatched to Northern Ireland to help maintain law and order. On January 30, 1972 these paratroopers were dispatched, along with other forces in order to quell any disturbances that might arise during planned demonstrations. Many witnesses described the actions of the troops prior to the eruption of gunfire. There were reports that day that these soldiers were seizing and beating civilians and causing damage in the catholic parts of the city. In an effort to intimidate protesters, many of whom were very young, the troops used heavy handed methods to try and dissuade the crowds from protesting.

One of these protesters was a 17-year-old young man named John Duddy. He was at the protest that day and ended up at some point that afternoon on the Bogside Road, joining other protestors. Like the other protestors, he was unarmed. During the afternoon the paratroopers came down the Bogside Road towards the protestors who had set up barricades in the street. These paratroopers had been specifically ordered not to pursue any protestors down this road in order to avoid any potential and unnecessary confrontations. Even though they could not reach the heavily armed paratroopers, protestors were throwing rocks towards the soldiers.

Suddenly, and without warning, the soldiers opened fire towards the protestors. John Duddy turned and ran. He ran down the street away from the troops. A witness later described what happened. He saw a soldier take aim at the fleeing young man and shoot him. The bullet went through his shoulder and lodged in his chest, killing the teenager. He was the first casualty of what would become known as “Bloody Sunday.” The soldiers continued to shoot indiscriminately into the crowd, killing thirteen (a fourteenth would later die of his wounds) and wounding another fourteen. Half of the dead were teenagers.

One of the dead was 17-year-old Gerard Donaghy. As he ran away, he was shot in the elbow, with the bullet eventually lodging in his stomach. He was taken to a nearby house by witnesses where he was examined by a doctor. After the examination, Donaghy was loaded into a private vehicle for a trip to the hospital. While being transported to the hospital, British soldiers stopped the vehicle and took the young man to a nearby airbase where he died. The soldiers claimed that after he died, 4 nail bombs were found in his pockets while his body lay at the airbase. The witnesses, the doctor and the people transporting him to the hospital, all claimed that he did not have any such things in his pockets. They all claimed that the British troops planted the evidence on Donaghy.

The British government held an initial inquiry, and the government determined that after being fired upon, the troops had merely returned fire in self-defense and found all fault with the protestors for the violence of Bloody Sunday. This was not surprising to the Catholic minority as they felt that the report was filled with untruths and that the soldiers had been totally at fault. The actions of the troops and their leadership was completely whitewashed in this initial report. This however would not be the final inquiry.

After this incident, the violence exploded in Northern Ireland. This incident was a rallying cry for recruitment for IRA fighters and the English became more despised by the Irish nationalists, who used this incident as evidence of the British treatment of the Catholic minority. The next twenty years consisted of violence, bombings and death that consumed Northern Ireland and eventually, England itself. These incidents and bombings were carried out for over twenty years after Bloody Sunday. The IRA planted bombs in England that resulted in civilian deaths, while the Ulster Defense Association (UDA), a protestant group in Northern Ireland, inflicted their own carnage throughout the catholic neighborhoods in the north. These incidents went on from 1969 through the late 1990’s. Many of the attacks became legendary and resulted in reprisals from the other side.

One incident in 1974 was named the “Romper Room murder.” Ann Ogilby, a protestant, single mother of four, was having an affair with an UDA leader. She became pregnant and gave birth to his child. His wife arranged a trial conducted by other UDA wives. She was convicted by the kangaroo court and sentenced to death. She was kidnapped along with her six-year-old daughter and brought to a place that the UDA referred to as the Romper Room. Her daughter was taken away to buy candy. Ann was brought into a room with a hood placed over her head where she was beaten to death by two teenagers using sticks and clubs. Her daughter returned to hear her mother being murdered and begging for her life.

Another incident involved a group of UDA militants going into a Catholic bar in 1994 armed with rifles. They began firing indiscriminately and ended up murdering six unarmed Catholic civilians and wounding 5 others. The IRA, at one point bombed Harrod’s Department Store in London during the Christmas shopping season, which resulted in six deaths and numerous injuries. In fact, the IRA conducted several bombings in London during Christmas, which put the entire city on edge during this time. There were also famous hunger strikes carried out by IRA members languishing in prison. Several, including Bobby Sands starved themselves to death in a protest over the mistreatment.

These “troubles” as they are often referred to, resulted in over three thousand five hundred deaths. The violent incidents were reported on the news throughout the world and were thought to be sectarian, in that the combatants were identified by their religion (Catholic vs. Protestant). This religious identifier is a bit misleading in that historical and political differences were as important as religion in the conflict. Each religious group identified politically with one side or the other in regards to the conflict.

Finally, on Good Friday, April 10, 1998 both sides of the conflict sat down with the help of the United States (Retired US Senator George Mitchell) and reached an agreement that would end the troubles in Northern Ireland. This agreement was a document outlining how Northern Ireland would be governed going forward. The agreement included the British and Irish governments. One of the provisions in the document however called for a referendum on the Ireland reunification if, and when, it appeared likely to pass a majority vote. This would allow for the reunification of Ireland once a majority of voters wanted that to take place.

Once the troubles ended, another inquiry was commenced by the government to look into the Bloody Sunday massacre. This commission included testimony of witnesses and soldiers who were there. This inquiry was known as the Savile Inquiry and was commenced in 1998 and finally published in 2010. This inquiry was attempting to get a definitive answer to what actually happened in 1972, and to disprove or prove the whitewashed inquiry that was published during the height of the troubles.

This inquiry determined that the commander Colonel Wilford, disregarded orders and entered an area he was told not to. The soldiers then overreacted and shot unarmed civilians, many of whom were running away, and those attempting to render aid to injured victims. These civilians posed no threat or danger whatsoever to the troops and the killings were completely unjustified. Prime Minister David Cameron issued a public apology for the murders after the report was published.

Recently, (March 2019), many relatives of the slain victims were seeking to prosecute the soldiers for murder and the courts in England have yet to rule how, if any, prosecutions would go forward. These families are demanding justice based on the report, but many loyalists are trying to establish a statute of limitations in order to prevent any prosecutions as a result of the publication of the Savile findings.

The newest wrinkle involved in the Northern Ireland situation is Brexit. Northern Ireland voted overwhelmingly to stay in the European Union. After the United Kingdom voted to leave the EU, Northern Ireland politicians were frustrated. They felt this would have a significant and unpleasant economic consequence and they were afraid of what would happen with the border between Ireland and Northern Ireland. Currently, as both countries are part of the EU there is an open border in place between the countries. I recently visited there and there was no indication, other than a welcome sign that you had entered the country of Northern Ireland. That will certainly change after Brexit and Northern Ireland leaves the EU. Many in the North wonder if the violence will return and what form it may take. As for England, many there feel that Northern Ireland is a drain on their tax dollars and costs the English over 10 Billion dollars a year in support. Coupled with their economic difficulties, England appears to be less committed to the country than ever before. Now, with the EU support of Ireland and Ireland’s economic strength, many in the North wonder if they would be better off reuniting with the Irish Republic.

Here is where the connection with the results of Bloody Sunday, way back in 1972 come back to intersect with modern day history. As a result of Bloody Sunday, the violence between the IRA and British troops skyrocketed. Bombings were brought to London proper and affected the citizens in a real way. Thousands of people lost their lives to the violence and many more were wounded in the guerilla war between the two parties. After this period of violence, both sides eventually came to the bargaining table in an effort to put an end to the bloodshed and find a way to move forward in a way more equitable for all concerned. Part of this cease fire agreement allowed for a referendum at any time the parties felt it would inevitably succeed. Keeping in mind that when the British left Ireland in 1922 they created Northern Ireland out of the six most Protestant counties on the island. This worked well for the English for many years until the minority Catholic population, sick of the mistreatment at the hands of the English, protested in order to gain equal rights. Currently, the once large population gap between Protestants in Northern Ireland and Catholics has virtually disappeared. The Good Friday Agreement and the referendum on Reunification could be significant within the next several years. The Good Friday Agreement came about after the prolonged violence, which escalated as a result of Bloody Sunday. The English thought that the use of overwhelmingly deadly force would quell all of the disturbances and make the Catholic problem go away. Instead it made it worse and now is likely to result in England leaving the island permanently and the reunification of Ireland. This referendum will be all but inevitable as the Catholic population increases. Coupled with the uncertainties of Brexit and the potential economic consequences for the North, this inevitability is fast approaching.

In the end, it was the violence of Bloody Sunday and the mistreatment of the minority Catholic population that led to the ongoing troubles, which led to the Good Friday Agreement which will eventually lead to the reunification of Ireland.

On a personal note, I have travelled to Northern Ireland several times in the last couple of years. Crossing the border was like driving into a new state in the United States. I visited Belfast and that is where the reality of the violence really comes to life. There is a giant wall separating the Catholic and Protestant neighborhoods. Each night at nine o’clock the giant gates between the two parts of the city are locked. The police drive around in armored vehicles and murals of dead fighters and remembrances of major events are depicted in the murals. On the Catholic side I distinctly remember a tribute to hunger striker, Bobby Sands (and others) and a giant “Fuck the Queen” sign painted on the giant wall. You can almost feel the tenseness between the two sides as you drive around certain parts of the city. It seems very possible that the hard border could ignite a new conflict if the Brexit negotiators cannot figure out a solution to this problem. Hopefully the violence of Bloody Sunday and its aftermath never return to Northern Ireland a long last peaceful resolution takes the place of the historic solutions suffered through by the people there.

Doping, Colonoscopies, and other Atrocities

A couple of news stories caught my attention this week. The first one involved a man in Denmark who found out that his two yearlong blocked nose was caused by a tooth growing in his nostril. The man had been complaining of congestion and loss of sense of smell. He said he doesn’t recall any trauma and has no idea what caused the tooth to take root in his proboscis. Doctors extracted the tooth from inside his nasal cavity and he is hoping for a full recovery. Honestly, the only down side I can imagine here is that it will now be harder for this guy to dine on his own boogers. Instead of devouring them in their den he will have to physically extract them and now dine on them in a more traditional style. I will have to send my Uncle Tom over there to teach him how it’s done. 

Another story this week involved the world’s number one bridge player being banned for taking a banned substance. Geir Helgemo from Norway tested positive for synthetic testosterone and a female fertility drug. The World Bridge Federation also stripped Helgemo of all his awards, titles and medals for 2018 (the period covered by his pharmaceutical transgressions). Geir says he will be back stronger than ever in 2019 and was careful to point out that the substances he was ingesting were not performance enhancing substances. Would performance enhancing drugs help you in Bridge? From what I know of the activity, it involves 4 people sitting around a table and giving or taking cards and keeping score. How in the hell would bulking up or increasing your oxygen intake level going to actually help you? If this were the case, Lance Armstrong would have won the tour-de-Bridge seven time too. Perhaps steroids would help the participant withstand incredible stretches of mind-numbing boredom and help them stay awake during an intense match, tinged throughout with nothingness. I am attaching a picture of this guy so you can see what a Bridge player actually looks like. Take a good look at this guy. He’s taking testosterone and female fertility drugs because he has come to the realization, after many dateless years, that he is probably going to have to fuck himself. The only chance this guy has of getting laid is if he crawls up a chicken’s ass!

Then I came across the most horrifying story I have ever read in a paper. It was from the Detroit News and was entitled “How to get (mentally and physically) colonoscopy ready.” This article described the procedure and the need to start having colonoscopies after the age of 50. Several things in this article concerned me. The explanation detailing the preparation was the scariest part. Supposedly, you drink some sort of beverage that helps prepare your colon for the procedure. Now by prepared, I mean, emptying the entire contents of your intestinal tract into the commode. This is facilitated by the “magic drink.” They described this drink as so powerful that I imagine shitting out Thanksgiving dinners and buffet lunches I haven’t even eaten yet. The marketing people should name this stuff – “weapons of ass destruction.” I have horrible visions of drinking this crap and then looking into the bowl, after the explosion, and seeing things that have no business being there. What if historical mysteries like D. B. Cooper or the missing Faberge eggs appear in the toxic stew I’m spewing into the toilet. Suddenly, these mysteries are solved and the police are called in to sift through the wreckage while my sphincter is still going off like the launch of SpaceX. I’m in the news with pictures of my lunch and dinner (fully processed) spread around the internet with warnings concerning graphic images. Then I’m wheeled into a room and opened up like a can of tuna while they go spelunking around in my backside with a camera taking pictures of the miasma that is my digestive system. After reading this, I immediately began to increase my fiber intake. I hope that preparation-H works!

I then read a story from Tregaron Wales about celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay’s dwarf porn double allegedly found dead in a badger den. A dwarf named Percy Foster was allegedly found dead after being eaten by badgers. He starred in several pornographic movies, including “Hi ho Hi ho it’s up your arse we go.” The Sunday Sport ran the story that was being investigated. While I was certainly surprised that a badger would drag a dwarf off and eat him – I was more surprised that Gordon Ramsay would have a porn double. I’m pretty sure the dwarf wasn’t much of a cook and if he ever invited me to dinner I would never eat anything at his house that contained finishing sauce. Until next week............

A Sad State of Affairs

Because of this class, I have spent more time watching the news and thinking about the current state of affairs in our country. There were several news stories this week that were disturbing for various reasons. The first one involved a television actor and an alleged attack that took place in Chicago. The actor, Jussie Smollett, claimed that two men attacked him, shouted racist and homophobic slurs at him and tied a rope around his neck. My first reaction was that the attack was disgusting and that hopefully, the perpetrators whould be brought to justice quickly. After the story played out over several days it now appears as if the whole incident was staged in an effort by the actor to gain a more lucrative contractual arrangement with his current employer. What bothers me about this story is that this type of attack actually happens to real people in our cities all the time. The hate that is faced by everyday people is real and has consequences. By his actions, Smollett belittled these victims and now made their stories less believable and subject to question. Unfortunately, these people don’t have the platform to fight back that Smollett had to fake the story. The hate and scars of the words and attacks will live with the real victims for the rest of their lives. I thought that it must be horrible that people are targeted and/or attacked over who they love or how they love. Hopefully, Smollett gets the help he needs. This is a sad story all around.

Another story this week involved the government recently revealing that 245 children were separated from their parents at the southern border of the United States since the current administration ended their “Zero Tolerance” policy last June. I have watched this story over the last year and heard arguments for and against this policy. I watched on television as a commentator said that the parents broke the law and asked “what criminals get to take their children to jail with them?” I watched the pictures of children being put in cages and warehoused. For the first time in my life it made me ashamed of my country. I once travelled to Mexico to build houses for people living along the railroad tracks near Tecate. I met the families and children there who were just trying to survive. Like any of us, they just wanted a better life for themselves and their children. I met a young boy named “Moses” who drew me a picture on a block of wood. The picture was of him and his family in their new home with big smiles on their faces. I still have that block of wood. I am not really sure how we have come to a point in our history where a large part of the citizens of the United States are accepting of children being put in cages. I know we are better than this.

Another story involved a Coast Guard officer who was arrested this week after it was discovered that he had a cache of weapons and had prepared a list of prominent democratic politicians and journalists from NBC and MSNBC he wanted to murder. He was planning to eliminate people based on their political beliefs. Evidently, he thought silencing voices that he disagreed with would somehow help his “cause.” This was covered extensively in the news; however, the President hadn’t commented on the matter as of Friday.

I also read a story this week about a couple with two children who were killed in a motorcycle accident. The two children, a boy and a girl, were sent to live with their grandparents who had financial difficulties. Before he died, the father had been restoring a classic car in order to give it to his son on his 18th birthday. The Grandparents made the difficult decision to auction off the car in order to raise funds to care for the children. The first person who bought the car auctioned it off immediately and gave the proceeds to the family. The second person did the same thing. The third person gave the car back to the family. In all, $100,000 was raised for the children and the car was given to the young boy who lost his parents. It was good to see that there are still people in the world who care and try and help. Unfortunately, with all the hate in the news every day, stories like this are often overlooked.

The point of this writing is that we as a country can choose who we are, and who we want to be. We can control this. The public outrage is what ended the barbaric zero tolerance policy in the first place. There seems to be so much hate in the world. The disagreements of the past are now pitched battles with no compromise. Politics has become a zero-sum game. Unfortunately, this type of arrangement has consequences like children in cages and violent extremists. All that being said, the story of the 2 children and their grandparents reminds me that in our communities we are better and more connected than it appears. I know, based on personal experience, that this is truly the case. It is important that all of us are the catalyst to bring out the best we can be, and do all in our power to defeat the hate that seems to be growing. It is up to all of us to choose our future and the future of our country.

Our Sick World

I have now been reading the newspaper and looking at internet news sites for several weeks. I have complained or made observations about things going on in the world that I found annoying. Unfortunately, this week the news took a weird turn. I uncovered several stories that made me wonder if there are yet, undiscovered tribes in the deepest part of the Amazonian rain forests that are more civilized and well-mannered than the rabble that make their appearance in the weekly news. I am sorry if the following bits of news offend anyone but, don’t shoot me, I’m merely the messenger. This crap is actually in the news.

The first story I came across was from Florida. A 21-year-old man decided it would be a great idea to film himself having intimate relations with a husky. Not “husky” like the larger than average pants the blubbery kid you knew in the seventh grade wore, but an actual husky, as in the breed of dog. Christian Nichols dressed himself in a husky dog costume and set up his camera. In an effort at factual accuracy -the husky dog costume was the breed of dog and not the larger than average dog costume a mentally unstable Floridian would wear before filming himself having sex with his dog. I was confused as to the reason he put the costume on. Did he think it would make him more attractive to the dog? Was he trying to make the dog more comfortable? He was arrested after the authorities were alerted to the video and a complaint was lodged. He was charged with 1 count of animal cruelty (evidently buggery has been stricken from the statutory criminal code in Florida). Whatever the legal outcome, this hound humper should be boiled in oil. The complaint was probably phoned in by the victimized husky. Hopefully the pooch poker will do hard time in the penal sense (well, you know what I mean). I was just grateful that the article wasn’t entitled “Dog Pound.”

Trying to recover from the horrifying details of the dog dicker story, I moved on. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I came across a story about a man in Zimbabwe who was arrested for bestiality after being caught having a physical relationship with a donkey. The man claimed that he had hired a prostitute for twenty dollars and that somehow the woman turned into a donkey while he was getting to know her. Evidently, he was intoxicated and didn’t fully understand the transactional details when she said she would let him do it in her ass for twenty dollars. This story ended well as the man claimed he was now in love with the donkey and wanted to marry it. It reminded me of a book called “Wet Goddess” where a guy claimed he was having an ongoing relationship with a dolphin. He claimed they were just two mammals in love. He would swim into her enclosure and “free willy” and then... explore her blowhole. These sick freaks would probably stick it in a beehive if they thought they could get honey on their stinger.

Moving on, I came across an article where a guy in New Orleans was arrested for threats and menacing after he went into a restaurant bathroom, told the staff member to clear out because he was going to blow the place up. The authorities were called and arrested the man. He claimed he didn’t mean he had explosives, he was trying to tell the guy in the bathroom that he was about to have a bowel movement so foul that it might cause permanent brain damage to anyone who had functioning olfactory senses within a block radius of the dumping ground. Police were sending him for psychiatric testing. Probably ought to have a proctologist nose around a little too.

I had had enough and was about to swear off the news for the rest of my life when I came across an McDonalds because they were charged the same price for the Quarter Pounder with cheese, even though they ordered it without cheese. This individual was seeking 5 million dollars in damages. I wonder if anyone broke the news to this raccoon that the yellow substance on the burger isn’t really cheese...it’s plastic. Of course, the zit covered kid working the drive thru window thinks it’s funny that the plaintiff thinks that the brown stuff on the bun is a meat burger. Wait until that lawsuit gets filed.

The next lawsuit involved a couple from New Mexico. The man, Peter Wallis was suing his girlfriend, Kellie Smith, because she had impregnated herself without his consent. He claimed that Smith intentionally came off birth control in an effort to intentionally acquire and misuse his sperm. The court ruled that the sperm was voluntarily given and should be classified as a gift, leaving Wallis with no possession rights. Thank God that I was never involved in a lawsuit like that. I am quite sure the court would fine me for littering in a case like this.

The News and Dr. Sausage Fingers

I happened to be sitting in the doctor’s office this week and began to leaf through the periodicals (trust me, I’m using that term very loosely). They were spread out on the table for the patients to read. The guy next to me was complaining to his wife about “Dr. Sausage Fingers” checking his prostate. Apparently, he was not looking forward to the exam. He looked like a first-time drug mule with a pound of heroin in his rectum about to find out how the goods were being delivered.

The first magazine I looked at contained food and restaurant stories. A lot of advertisements with an occasional 2 paragraph “story” mixed in. I came across two food promotions being advertised. KFC was unveiling a new sandwich with what they described as an exciting new twist – Cheetos! They have a piece of chicken on a bun and then cram a load of Cheetos on top of the bird. The other promotion involved Pizza Hut offering free pizza to the couple who give birth to the baby who has an official birth time closest to the time of kickoff for this year’s Super Bowl.

First there is the KFC sandwich. This involves a layer of Cheetos and special Cheetos sauce along with a bun and some fried chicken. The promotion involves a limited release for the sandwich which is only available in the southern part of the United States. If interest is high enough the sandwich will become available nationwide. It is quite obvious to me why this death bird is only available down south. I once had the unpleasant experience of spending an afternoon in Little Rock, Arkansas. This is the first town I had ever spent time in where the toothbrushes clearly outnumbered the teeth. I wandered into a restaurant called The Cozy Kitchen and was introduced to a slice of Americana that most people don’t even know exists. The chef stood behind a lunch counter with stains all over his shirt and his cigar ashes falling into the food as he yelled obscenities at the staff, or staph in this case. The menu advertised such delicacies as, Bar-B -Q chicken, Bar-B-Q beef, Bar-B-Q pork, Bar-B-Q opossum, Bar-B-Q humidity etc. You get the picture. These people would be begging for a bag of Cheetos! The advertisement for this debeaked widow maker should be a picture of the Colonel standing over Chester Cheeto laid out in a hospital bed with the cardiologist pulling a sheet over his head. This isn’t a sandwich, it’s a gastrointestinal hitman.

As for pizza hut, the NFL says it wants to reward its fans that are expanding their family so close to the big game. Free pizza for the entire year for the winner. Fans in New Orleans complained that if the NFL wanted to reward its fans they should call a fucking interference penalty!!! Evidently, they are still bitter. If the NFL wants to reward the rest of the country they would force the Patriots to eat the KFC cheese rooster until the entire team flatlines.

Another article in the magazine caught my attention. A London restaurant in search of sustainable protein is now offering gray squirrel lasagna. Apparently, the chef struck a deal with his wild boar supplier in order to get the squirrel carcasses. Ivan Tisdall-Downes, the chef, claims the meat isn’t as gamey as rabbit and is a really nice white meat. I have a lot of questions here. My first question is – what in the hell is a wild boar supplier? How does one stumble into this vocation? Is there a school for this? Are you forced to watch Wild Kingdom on Animal Planet and then walk around the woods looking for a pig with big teeth? For God’s sake -are they telling the customers they are eating wild boar? Am I ordering a pulled pork sandwich and instead being tricked into eating pulled Pumbaa? How the hell is this supplier getting enough squirrel meat to make lasagna? I wonder if they put the weird little squirrel hands into the lasagna? I made a mental note of the restaurant in case I’m in London but won’t put it in this story so the rest of you can play “Restaurant Russian Roulette” the next time you are in London. Eat up!

I decided to switch magazines at this point. I opened up Live Science magazine. The first article I came across involved researchers in Japan. Evidently, a group of scientists there recently developed a method of transforming human feces into steak. These scientists were asked by the Tokyo Sewage Department to come up with a practical use for the excess sewage. By isolating the proteins from the bacteria in human waste and combining them with carbs and fat they developed a meat like substance. Of course, they strongly recommend cooking the “steak” thoroughly before consuming it. Cooking it will make no difference. I can hear it already – “this steak tastes like shit!” Now, my Aunt Cora will finally be able to keep a job. She’s four hundred pounds and produces enough “steak” each day to feed Myanmar. Every time she needs new shoes she calls a blacksmith. For years she wore a shirt that had the word Man-eater on it but I just assumed she had misspelled the word Manatee. I can’t wait to pitch my new restaurant idea to her.

I tossed Live Science aside and picked up the Catholic Register. There was an article about technology. In January the Pope and the Catholic Church introduced a new app - “click to pray.” The church has begun to embrace technology. Evidently, you click on the app and you can follow mass or pray with the Pope on the new Worldwide Prayer Network. I was kind of surprised that the article didn’t continue with this additional information - Many of the local parish priests feel that there are bugs that need to be worked out before the app will be of any use to them. The app needs to be further developed in order for them to continue to fondle the younger parishioners through the smart phone or I-pad. Yuck!!! The next two stories involved a man who got drunk and lit his prosthetic leg on fire and an article about an epileptic dwarf who made pizzas.

I never got a chance to read those articles because the nurse called my name and my prostate let out a scream! I was only there for a TDAP shot but I quickly looked up the Worldwide Prayer Network on my phone as I headed into the exam room, just in case.

Disney: The Happiest Place On Earth

It was reported in the New York Post recently that park visitors are scattering the ashes of their deceased loved ones throughout Disneyland and Disney World. It has been an ongoing issue in the Park for some time and park custodians have been forced to use a special attachment on the vacuum cleaners in order to suck up the ashes after they have been left at the park. These visitors are smuggling the ashes into the park concealed in camera cases and backpacks in order to evade detection. Disney considers this to be a park, health code violation and is asking for the public to stop doing this. Apparently, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, the Haunted Mansion along with the Dumbo the Elephant ride are the most popular places in the park chosen as the final resting place for deceased relatives. Experts believe that this is a way in which relatives can visit the “happiest place on earth,” one last time with their departed family member.

While I never really contemplated my own demise before, this article made me stop and think. This subject is not something a typical 30-year-old would worry about, but the more I thought about this, the more I realized I have some things to work through. For instance, after they toss you into the pizza oven and bake you to a crisp, they really don’t know what pieces are where- they just have a clump of ashes with no identifiable body parts (although, several Disneyland visitors have described finding human fingers and eyeballs in the bushes surrounded by ashes- obviously, these are either deceased remains or someone spilled their Chinese food in the bushes). The article also made me realize that I now have to worry that my severely overweight, chain smoking alcoholic uncle is going to head to Disneyland one last time and make me watch him treat himself to a couple of Astro Wieners with pickles at the Space Mountain Galactic Restaurant before he dumps my fried testicles at the feet of some animatronic swashbuckler. I’m going through life fat, dumb, and happy then suddenly I keel over from a tainted piece of romaine lettuce and my crazy Uncle Eddie (who has a giant hump on his back and looks like he should be ringing a bell somewhere) is going to toss my overcooked anus under some big eared, porcine flying pachyderm? Thanks a lot New York Post!

I am also quite sure Walt Disney would have never approved of this type of behavior. Although, come to think of it, Walt did think it would be a great idea to be cryogenically frozen and then have his head placed on a monkey body and thawed out sometime in the future (what a nut job). They should take that human popsicle and dump his ice-cold carcass in the bushes near Splash Mountain just to discourage these lunatics from doing this shit. Once he thaws out and begins to turn, the odor will send a strong message. Or, better yet, they could dump his Haagen Dazs head somewhere on Tom Sawyer’s Island in order to get people to actually go over there. That would be a win/win! Injun Joe and Muff Potter could violate that ice bucket and leave poor Dr. Robinson alone for a change.

Prior to reading this article my only concern with heading to my final reward was that the crew of meat puppets I left behind would at least have the common decency to put me in some underwear and a suit before the dirt nap, and now this. After reading this article I began watching my relatives closely. I am trying to figure out which one of these mouth breathing, fetal alcohol syndrome, carnival workers will be the one to dump me into an ashtray, put on some mouse ears and then scatter me around Mister Toad’s Wild ride because the line to the Haunted Mansion was too long. At the moment I think it might be my sister Jackie. She never liked me, got pregnant at 16 and then married her Driver’s Ed teacher who was 36 years older than her because he had a car. Ironically his name was Ed.

I have had to sit down and formulate a plan in case one of them dies before I do. My current plan, if Jackie goes first, is to cremate her (she’s deathly afraid of fire and is saving her money in order to purchase a cemetery plot near the high school parking lot where she first consummated her relationship with Ed), and then scatter her ashes around that goddamn Small World ride. Let her listen to that “small world” song for eternity – that will settle a few scores! She better hope her ears aren’t in that ashtray! As for the others, most of whom are severely obese and are trying to deal with a few too many chromosomes, I’m just hoping they cremate them so I don’t have to be one of the pall bearers. I have to assume that attempting to lift any of those corpulent bastards will result in my testicle flying out of my abdominal cavity and a seven day stay in a hospital post hernia surgery. As for scattering their ashes at Disneyland, I suppose just dumping their ashes near the tram stop garbage can at the front entrance would be sufficient. There is no way you are packing that many ashes into a camera case. The pile of ashes for each one of them would most likely resemble the smoldering ashes of a bad house fire but would smell much worse. Oh well, screw the New York Post and screw Disneyland!